Giovanni and Sebastian

Sunday, June 11, 2006

At last!

Giovanni & Sebastian's Greatest Hits.

A journey - a difficult one, yes - but a journey all the same. All the classics are here for you, the fucking fan, remixed with the latest in Albanian studio technology in pristine 'Uber-Stereo'

At an incredible price of only $26.34, this album is, quite simply, a must-have. If you've been thinking about buying an album of Albanian folk songs, then there's no better time to give me your money.

Thanks to lax Albanian law, you can also download the historic melodies divine by merely right-clicking the images to download the delicious music that will plunge into your ear again and again and again.

To visit the official Giovanni & Sebastian website go here.
To visit the official Giovanni & Sebastian MySpace site go here.

01 I Say Potato

From the album 'Inskora'

The wonderfully honest Albanians sing of their hopes, dreams and favourite pronounciations of words such as 'potato', 'aluminium' and 'tomato'.

Featured on their final album, 'Inskora', the video can be viewed here.

Giovanni well remembers the difficult recording sessions - "Our fans are such cunts," he recalls, "they expect perfection with everything we do. They forget we hava a dwarf on backing vocals. The creatures, whilst tame, are unreliable. In Albhania we kill them for sport, but our fans insist Tattoo survives. They are idiots. He will die soon and he will die soon at my hands."

02 Dancing With Mr T

From the album 'The World Of Giovanni And Sebastian'

A jaunty and pleasurable excursion into the mind of a deluded dwarf, brought to sense by the caring efforts of his Albanian master.

Taken from the triple box set album, 'The World Of Giovanni & Sebastian', the collection has become somewhat of a collectors item.

The deluxe gold plated box contained the first three albums plus a framed picture of Sebastian's cat 'Barry', a photocopy of Giovanni's testicles and a lifesize blow-up rubber dwarf.

The limited edition boxes (only 16 copies were made) were originally sold for £693.00 but these days collectors will pay anything up to a groat.

03 Bream In Cream

From the album 'Yes. Our Fathers Are Dead'

As darker moments go. the tragic death of both Giovanni & Sebastians' fathers is one of the darker moments of the duos' history. 'Bream In Cream' brought these haunting darker moments together in song.

A drunken Giovanni, having bought a big shiny red car, invited his father plus Sebastian and his father for a midnight drive around the catamite clubs of Mbishkodra. Unfortunately, Giovanni temporarily lost control of the vehicle whilst leaning out of the car window to hurl projectile vomit at a passing herd of working class people. The ne'er-do-wells turned to chase him, and in an act of sheer effulgence, the Inski singer began masturbating furiously at the wheel whilst singing "We can be heroes, just for one day."

The car then veered into a shopping mall, hurling tramps through the air like skittles and squashing badgers en route.

"I was terrified," Sebastian said later, "he was like a man possessed. He was aiming at the tramps and screaming 'Inskora! Inskora!' I was the only one wearing a seatbelt, so both our fathers were being thrown around the back of the car like boggy horse shit in a hemp sack. However, when he started masturbating and ejaculation predictably ensued, (I can read him like a book, we are almost brothers) we seemed to slow down quite a bit."

But not slow enough. The car then sped through a village, over some of the tramps he had knocked over earlier (some had flown over 60 feet through the air) and finally crashed into a school. Giovanni had been driving at nearly 347 miles per hour.

"Our fathers were both dead, so we knocked out the album the next day and performed some of the songs at their funeral. I'm not sure if Sebastian has ever forgiven me, we never really talk about it much. Performing some of the songs from the album these days is very difficult - as dark a moment as I have ever known. They're in a very awkward high key which sometimes is a bit of a strain on the throat. I don't really like them either - a bit depressing. 'Bream In Cream' is alright though, I suppose."

04 Albanian Girls

From the album 'Yass'

The trio sing of their favourite women - that's right! Those lovely little ladies of Albania. Giovanni, Sebastian & Tattoo have been all round this great big world and they've seen all kinds of girls, but they always come home to Mbishkodra for the greatest girls in the world. They wish they all could be Albanian, they wish they all could be Albanian, they wish they all could be Albanian...giiiiirls.

05 We Are All Juice

From the album 'Yass'

Prepare to cry and think and wonder at the splendour of this song. G&S quite literally tear down all social barriers and invent world peace within four and a half minutes. Count Balthus once said, "Yass. The world in which we are of the livange, is of the poor and of the starvange - whilst I am of the eat of the roast swan and of the champagne and of the prostitutes naked, come to completion. How can the politicians of the world let this contunange? I am of the richer than anyone, and I will not of the sharange my wealth with of the peasants. This is the fault of the governments and I sob, for we are all juice. Yass."

The video, used for selling some digital radio or another, can be viewed here.

06 My Hideous Illegitimate Daughter


Cry, cry and cry again, as Giovanni sings of the tragedy of the birth of his revolting daughter - the illegitimate spawn of Tattoo, the rampant dwarf. The heartbreaking strains of the Albanian cuckold, exposing himself yet again to an incredulous public is truly beyond belief.

07 Brie

From the album 'Macedonian Daughters'

In provinces within Mbishkodra, people still talk about what they were doing the day 'Macedonian Daughters' was released. They were buying the album and listening to it, that's what they were doing.
In an unprecedented move, just prior to being shut down by the Albanian Government, Radio Mbishkodra FM, broadcast the whole album repeatedly for 6 months, whilst in Yukostrakinsarta, twelve fans committed suicide as they felt that they did not deserve to live on the same planet as Giovanni & Sebastian. "They were quite right" guffawed Giovanni at the benefit gig for their families (Giovanni & Sebastian did not actually perform at the They Killed Themselves Because They Do Not Deserve To Live On The Same Planet As Giovanni & Sebastian Musikfest however, they did train the Gwako Anskiorala dancers to perform their rather risque "Lacrosse Bitches" dance routine)"Those ladies! Oh, those ladies! They were all I could bare," whined Sebastian, "Amateurs! I had to be so thorough with them, they kept me up all night but I feel I finally brought forth the effulgent Inskora ouvre and in the end everyone came good."

The album had its controversial moments too. When invited to the Albanian minister of agriculture's daughter's wedding, Giovanni & Sebastian launched into an acappello version of 'Doin' The Anal Boogaloo' which caused the bride to call off the wedding and start a sordid three in a bed Inskora romp scandal with the two wily Albanian love rats.

"It was my first album," recalls Tattoo the dwarf,"I remember my nerves were fraught as I served biscuits throughout the recording sessions. Giovanni finally broke the ice however. As I lay the Rich Tea biscuits upon the solid silver tray, he kicked the tray from my hands, picked me up by the scruff of my neck and threw me in a bucket which Sebastian had deliberately shat in. After that, we were friends for life - I can still hear them laughing and laughing and laughing at me - and spitting on me too."

'Brie' was track 3.

08 Albania - Land Of The Eagles

From the album 'My My! Ladies Like!'

The second album by Giovanni & Sebastian was recorded during an extremely diffcult time for the artistes. Sebastian was in court over the black of the child-famous of the mother-illegitimate bastard custody trial, whilst Giovanni was wracked with effulgence over the notorious "buggery incident."

"It was of the time so hard," their manager Count Balthus recalled, "my charges were of the living in the sexy and of the drugs and of the rocking and the rolling of the dream - I was both of the appalled and yet somehow of the aroused. The incident of the Giovanni buggery was of the particularly sad - as I of the family was a friend personal of all six daughters and several of the brothers and mothers."

However, despite the challenging times, the duo still managed to come up trumps with the haunting album and made over several pounds when touring Albania on their "My My Ladies Like It Live" tour.

Tattoo the dwarf even met the Queen Mother and offered her some Rich Tea biscuits, which she graciously refused but accepted a rusk to suck on instead.

'Albania - Land of the Eagles' was the official Albanian anthem during a recent world cup. Although nobody can quite remember which one.

09 Lacrosse Bitches

Giovanni's musical penchant for lacrosse playing school girls is performed here with gusto, verve and not a little spunk. Tattoo was briefly killed during the recording of this song, but was brought back to life by a man whose name is now lost.

Lacrosse Bitches, burst into the Albanian charts like a rocket up a leather masked catamite's sweet ass. Such was the success of the song, it was subsequently used for the theme tune to the number one Albanian soap "Balkanius Ole Streptoclochus" and also became a great favourite at Mbishkodran suburbs cock fighting tournaments.

Giovanni recently recalled his feelings at his new found success-
"I was plunging my genitals into everything. If it was vaguely pink, had a hole with a little heat in it, I plunged my genitals into it. If it had a back bone, I was there plunging away at it. I was uncontrollable. I was a disgrace and I should be ashamed of myself. I loved every moment and in many ways I haven't changed one single bit. A disgrace. I loved it."

10 I'm Afraid This Is Going To Hurt

From the album 'Yass'

Sebastian's first solo venture is a romantic love song that is guaranteed to bring a lump to the throat, a tear to the eye and the ladies will swoon like lepers. Just watch 'em fall like dominoes fellas. I'm Afraid This Is Going To Hurt was released last year in Albania, but has yet to see the light of day in Europe or America.
Giovanni explains the reason for this:

"Situations or should I say 'incidents', or should I say AN incicent? No perhaps I should mention the word 'buggery.' Perhaps not. Anyway an 'incident' involving both myself and also the act, indeed the crime of 'buggery' is the reason for the delay of the release date of this song."

Sebastian rates this as one of his favourite songs of all time.
"I don't really think this song can necessarily be bettered. I don't believe it ever has, nor will be. I am Inskora, I am the fine line between genius and failure, I bring blood to the backbones of judges and I bring protein to the mouths of millions. I am the branch of Nat West, I am the leg of lamb, I am the flakes between your toes, I am the '&' in rock & roll, I am the smell in the lift, I am afraid this is going to hurt."

Judge for yourself by downloading the song from this very website.


For further information email
Count Balthus, Manager - Giovanni & Sebastian

With heartwrenching tugs to Reckless Rik for effulgent hostange duties.